The Defibrillator is Broken!

It's Sunday morning. You sink down into your pew, take a deep breath, letting some of the craziness of the past week escape in a long sigh. Looking at the other church goers around you, dressed in their Sunday best, singing the praises of God,

you wonder if they feel the same way you do.

Alive, bright and cheery on the outside,

dead, cold and empty on the inside.

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Do you ever feel lifeless? Absent of joy, peace and love?

An emptiness, a hollow ache?

No growth, no change?

Dead.

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I've felt it. I felt as if my spiritual life likened to walking through a graveyard, rows of headstones, marked, "Stress", "Drama", "Family", "Friends", "Work", all the things that were weighing me down, distracting me, causing me to retract into my shell. I could no longer feel the Holy Spirit's presence. I felt alone. Spiritually Dead

Walking through the church, rows of pews, marking the seats of many. I can feel the excitement and love in the air. I can see the joy on the faces amidst the loud hustle and bustle before the service. My heart aches to share in their happiness, but I distance myself because it's easier to just stay silent. I don't understand why I feel this way.

Where is my joy?

Why do I feel like I'm forcing my smile?

Why do I feel dead inside?

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I think that every Christian eventually comes to this point in their life at some time. The reasons and circumstances are different for everyone. Maybe they had their heartbroken by someone or something. Maybe they had committed a sin that has put a strain on their relationship with God.

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The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

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You may have experienced a painful incident and you became numb to the rest of the world. You may have reacted from a place of hurt with a vow such as, “Why did this happen to me?! I will never trust God again!” “I will never love like that again!” or “I will never go to church until…” Whether it was a pastor, church leader, teacher or just bad circumstances, this hurt was real to you. Grief and guilt can both cause many different effects on a person's relationship with God. Problems at home, with their marriage, friendships, workplace drama, personal fears and worries...all of those can drain someone of their joy and distract them from focusing on what matters the most in life. You may be striving to come alive again, striving to renew your relationship with Him, maybe not even understanding why it had faded in the first place. You feel spiritually dead.

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I went through a period in my spiritual life just like this a little over a year ago. I knew that something wasn't right with my relationship with God. I rarely had a desire to pray or read my Bible. I felt like I was simply going through the motions of basic life, following my daily routine because I had to. I had so many new exciting things happening in my life, starting college and beginning the new chapter of my life. Even still, deep inside I was so unhappy. I was anxious, never at peace. Stressed and sad, I was not my normal happy, outgoing self. I had issues sleeping (which could simply be blamed on nursing school! Haha!) and eating. I made many mistakes during this time, I have many regrets and I deeply wish I could get this time back. I felt cold and dead inside, but on the outside, I put on a fake smile and soldiered on. Feeling empty and hollow inside.

One day, I saw a dear friend of mine and he said to me, "It makes me sad when I see you without a smile. Your real smile is a such rarity. I miss it." When I went to sleep that night, I cried for the first time in months. I missed my smile too! I missed feeling happiness, peace and joy...the fruits of the Spirit in their entirety. My heart was so hardened and tired. I cried out to God, asking Him to restore my joy, draw me closer to Him again, and to help me refocus my priorities again. I turned on one of my favorite orchestral compositions, Sergei Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 2 and listened to the gorgeous purity of the music as it washed over my soul. That evening the repair process of my relationship with God began. It took me months to regain what I had lost with God, and honestly, I'm still doing so. It's easy for me to get distracted by school, work, other dramas of life...to walk back through life's graveyard, taking my eyes off of God's will for my life.

Somedays, I'll turn on that song and I'll remember that deadness that I had felt, thanking God for bringing me back to Him.

Thanking Him for the people that he has put in my life

to edify, encourage and exhort me.

Thanking him that my real smile is back.

Thanking him that I feel alive again.

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Make the decision to cry out to God,

admit that you need Him to break your hardened heart,

let Him draw you back to Himself.

He can rejuvenate your soul, replenish your spirit, restore your joy and renew your strength! All you have to do is ASK!!

God is unchanging, He never changes. Humans change.

We are the ones who go astray.

He is always there, waiting to help us, to listen to our worries and struggles. He will never leave us or forsake us.

He is the one who gave us life,

He is the one who can help us live it to the fullest!

Become ALIVE again!

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Now, if you're wondering why I named the article,

"The Defibrillator is Broken!". As a nursing student, this past semester I took a class where we learned how to perform Basic Life Support and CPR. We used a fake defibrillator on the dummies, "shocking them" to restore heart beat rhythm. As Christians, I think that a lot of us need a little bit of "shocking" to return us to our normal "spiritual heart rhythm".

Cheesy? Yup! :)

Hopefully, you don't ever actually need me to perform CPR on you!

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I thought I would attach the song that I was referring to.

Hope you enjoy it!

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